A Normal Human Waiting For A Software Update.

Nitrates and Phosphates and Erythorbates, Oh My!

There was a time when I used to enjoy a cured canned ham. Oh, how I loved a Flakes of Ham sandwich. This was before I switched to plants. There are no plants that taste like a Flakes of Ham sandwich. I’ve looked. First, take a bowl. Empty out a can of Flakes of Ham, add mayo and mix. Slap it between two slices of bread, add a side of potato chips and hot damn you have one helluva lunch right there.

I enjoyed it so much I contacted the company to express my love for their product. I proceeded to explain how they should rename their long standing product from Flakes of Ham to Flakes of Awesome! This was way back when I was young enough to think of something like this, but old enough to know better. I received a reply back. A standard letter the company sends to all nut jobs who have contacted them with sensational ideas. A lot of, “Thank you for your suggestion. We have a team dedicated to shaping our product.” Oh, and “Thanks again. We’ll keep your suggestion under consideration if things should change.” I’d like to say that I didn’t really think they were going to completely rebrand their product based on my suggestion because I’m not an insane person, I’m a normal human, but I’m not going to lie, there was a small part of me that thought they might.

I went rummaging around my inbox for the email but crawled out flabbergasted that I no longer had it. How irresponsible. Perhaps the Hotmail deleted it because it was so old? I can’t imagine I would have deleted such an example of youthful exuberance so willy-nilly.

I also recall being so proud of myself that I thought it would be a marvelous idea to contact the good people at Hamburger Helper. You know, get them in on the ground floor of this cutting-edge idea of labeling your product: “Something” of Awesome! They gave me the same response. “Thank you for your suggestion.” Blah, blah blah.

I don’t recall what name I had picked out for them. Awesome Helper? I guess that’s why they say to always write down your ideas. Oh, but I did, and the Hotmail deleted them. Proof that Big Brother is always watching. Maybe the Microsoft people have this gem locked away in some underground vault waiting for the day I kick the can, giving them free reign to move forward with an aggressive advertising campaign. They most likely own those companies anyway, and if not the Microsoft machine will buy them and proceed accordingly.

The jokes on them though. I will have it written in my Last Will and Testament, hidden in the fine print that I was the original founder of “Something” of Awesome! My legacy left for my son. So no, Windows 65 of Awesome! for you robot Bill Gates.

The world has changed and I’m not the same normal, everyday human I used to be. Wait a gosh darn minute. Maybe I should contact those companies with a new and exciting, healthy, environmentally conscious idea.

Flakes of Plants? Vegetable Helper?

Ground floor? Anyone?

Pffft. Plants don’t need any help, am I right?

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